As an entire industry revs up its gears for the yearly all-media spoogefest that some people call The Electric Kool-Aide Entertainment Expo, I am dutifully called upon to recall that while video games are a beyond-huge industry and 4 million people paid sixty dollars for watch_dogs in a week despite no one really liking it, there is no such thing as free will and I will die penniless.
"But I've purchased so many video games in my life," I say. "That can't be for nothing."
Yes it can. And it is. Studies show that for every ten minutes spent playing a video game, the average American loses ten minutes of real spiritual fulfillment, languishing instead in a dank swamp of self-doubt, chronic pain and penile annihilation.
"But I can't even remember the last time I put so much as a dent in my pile of shame!"
I've got news for you, buster. If you'll be so kind as to step over the AM Crunchwrap wrappers and into your hallway, grab a rag and some Windex, then run into the bathroom and wipe down the only mirror in your undecorated, underlit apartment. Behind that year-old layer of toothpaste flecks and bathroom mud is the only pile of shame you should be concerning yourself with.
Not that it makes any difference.
What You Can Do To Stop Hating Yourself
Luckily for you, there is the illusion that there are many things you can do to improve your station in life, and luckily for me the false belief that life can improve is the primary driver in web site SEO Google Algorithm Hits.
Cynicism, while so productive, is the first thing on the chopping block. You have to pretend you believe it matters SO HARD that you start to believe it matters. And when the overlords throw the switch and the chain pullies begin to grind and the ceiling starts coming down on top of you, do not forget to say "Oops, I guess I zigged when I should have zagged! My fault!" Smile, you simpleton! Smile while the fat man with the cigar laughs. The fat man with the cigar, incidentally, is actually a really thin man and he paid not a small sum to push anti-smoking legislation back in the 90's. I don't know how that enters into it, but it seems to be part of the equation so I leave that for you to figure out on your own.
It will be your fault. Because you trusted the oligarchs instead of slitting their throats the minute you were in the same room as them.
Step 2: You Will Never Be In the Same Room As Them
Don't capitalize prepositions.
Mario Maker Will Be Announced
All of this is of course a preamble to Nintendo's impending announcement of Mario Maker. It's long been known that Nintendo puts its new level designers through their paces by sending them to Mario School and making them design New Super Mario Bros 2 levels until they really understand how far apart to put the turtles. Now you can also learn about goombas by playing MARIO MAKER (rumored).
This HOT RUMOR scores a 6.5 out of 10 on the CALIENTE SCALE.
You know what that means! It means there's a really good chance someone risked their job to give us HARD PROOF that, in four days, a company will announce a product that we can buy in four or five months.
And what a product it is! A game that lets you design Mario levels! Finally, Mario gets a turn at helping the Democratization of Games, the only democracy you're likely to take part in in your whole life (you probably still won't)!
The illusion of choice! The illusion of agency! The illusion of power! Life is the Guitar Hero version of life.
No one will play Mario Maker because it's probably for Wii U.
No comments:
Post a Comment