GAME TALK: THIS BLOG IS NOW ONLY ABOUT MARIO AND DEPRESSION

About ten minutes ago, I came up with the title above, and ran over to Google to Image Search some Deviantart representations of depressed Mario. Unbeknownst to me, this pairing of topics has been thoroughly explored by the internet. Why did I think that might not be the case? This is a Mickey Mouse-level marketing entity that's based on self-medication in a fantasy world where you're saving princesses and jumping on turtles, and so much of the fanbase is 35 year old gross balding bitter feckless--

What ground am I breaking by connecting these dots? None. Nothing. I've spent the last half-hour at this point looking at lovingly-created depictions of doughy Italian men in the loneliest, darkest moments of their lives, living out all manners of horror and depravity, and I'm still happier than if I had spent the same amount of time reading about Microsoft's E3 press conference.

I'm beyond glad that we're being treated to more footage of Sunset Overdrive gameplay, but what good does that do a worthless dirtbag with no hope of ever affording a piece of computer equipment ever again for the rest of

HEY GUYS! I just drank some really strong COFFEE! Let's look at some funny depressing Mario pictures!

The world of Mario and Sonic fanart is so thoroughly mined by so many great minds. I'll never write a blog post as meaningful or informative as some of the ones I've seen on the subject. Who could ever love such a monster? How do I show my face in public, knowing how little I have to say about the world of Tumblr and Deviantart? What am I supposed to do? How do I proceed?

I've been playing a little Uncharted recently, on the PS3. That game is kind of cool. I like the idea of a game that's like "What if there was a DUDE Lara Croft?" I'm so down with bold new ideas like that. I'm so down with life. Down with life.

I can't believe they delayed the cancellation of The Last Guardian AGAIN. What do you think is up with that? I certainly don't know.

I really think it's just that Mario has a funny face and it's funny to see him sad. I know what that's like. Let's talk more about this later.

COUNTDOWN TO E3: I DON'T BELIEVE IN FREE WILL

As an entire industry revs up its gears for the yearly all-media spoogefest that some people call The Electric Kool-Aide Entertainment Expo, I am dutifully called upon to recall that while video games are a beyond-huge industry and 4 million people paid sixty dollars for watch_dogs in a week despite no one really liking it, there is no such thing as free will and I will die penniless.

"But I've purchased so many video games in my life," I say. "That can't be for nothing."

Yes it can. And it is. Studies show that for every ten minutes spent playing a video game, the average American loses ten minutes of real spiritual fulfillment, languishing instead in a dank swamp of self-doubt, chronic pain and penile annihilation.

"But I can't even remember the last time I put so much as a dent in my pile of shame!"

I've got news for you, buster. If you'll be so kind as to step over the AM Crunchwrap wrappers and into your hallway, grab a rag and some Windex, then run into the bathroom and wipe down the only mirror in your undecorated, underlit apartment. Behind that year-old layer of toothpaste flecks and bathroom mud is the only pile of shame you should be concerning yourself with.

Not that it makes any difference.

What You Can Do To Stop Hating Yourself

Luckily for you, there is the illusion that there are many things you can do to improve your station in life, and luckily for me the false belief that life can improve is the primary driver in web site SEO Google Algorithm Hits. 

Cynicism, while so productive, is the first thing on the chopping block. You have to pretend you believe it matters SO HARD that you start to believe it matters. And when the overlords throw the switch and the chain pullies begin to grind and the ceiling starts coming down on top of you, do not forget to say "Oops, I guess I zigged when I should have zagged! My fault!" Smile, you simpleton! Smile while the fat man with the cigar laughs. The fat man with the cigar, incidentally, is actually a really thin man and he paid not a small sum to push anti-smoking legislation back in the 90's. I don't know how that enters into it, but it seems to be part of the equation so I leave that for you to figure out on your own.

It will be your fault. Because you trusted the oligarchs instead of slitting their throats the minute you were in the same room as them. 

Step 2: You Will Never Be In the Same Room As Them

Don't capitalize prepositions.

Mario Maker Will Be Announced

All of this is of course a preamble to Nintendo's impending announcement of Mario Maker. It's long been known that Nintendo puts its new level designers through their paces by sending them to Mario School and making them design New Super Mario Bros 2 levels until they really understand how far apart to put the turtles. Now you can also learn about goombas by playing MARIO MAKER (rumored). 

This HOT RUMOR scores a 6.5 out of 10 on the CALIENTE SCALE. 

You know what that means! It means there's a really good chance someone risked their job to give us HARD PROOF that, in four days, a company will announce a product that we can buy in four or five months.

And what a product it is! A game that lets you design Mario levels! Finally, Mario gets a turn at helping the Democratization of Games, the only democracy you're likely to take part in in your whole life (you probably still won't)!

The illusion of choice! The illusion of agency! The illusion of power! Life is the Guitar Hero version of life.

No one will play Mario Maker because it's probably for Wii U.